Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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