That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I forget how to act sober
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
