I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
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Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
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It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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