im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
