They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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