Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just found a bag of teeth...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
