My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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