I feel great
I just peed on a car
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
