So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
