after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
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I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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