Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
