i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
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