i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
