Define "chronic" masturbator.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
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Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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