Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
