she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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