ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
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Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer