so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
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There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
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No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.