I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
