Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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