Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
