Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
