I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
