I'm passing your future prison.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
