what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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