i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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