Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
