so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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