She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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