The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
