Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
