The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Randomize
