I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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