turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
