Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
