Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
