Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
