Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
