I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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