Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
did i walk over a car last night?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
