Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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