How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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