1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
