I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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