I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
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Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
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i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
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