i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
