Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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