Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
