Your tits are I can't wait for
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
