She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
