Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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