Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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