and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
