I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
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I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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