if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
