I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
