Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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