Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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