the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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