what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
