My first STD was from a foam party
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
its not stalking. its research.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
