Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
